Baby in Heaven.....

Although this situation is far from current in our lives (my husband and I) right now. It never fails to be far from thoughts (more mine than anyone else). I’m certain that most of you that have a conscious or any apathy, your heart breaks as mine does as soon as you read the title of my blog. Or if you have ever lost a child through miscarriage, still birth, a baby born with health problems, your heart breaks the minute you think about it. It truly is heart breaking to me to think of all of the babies in heaven. What were they meant to be? Who did they look like? But I’m writing this blog, not to speak of all of the babies worldwide that are in heaven or the babies that will go to heaven this day, week, month, year. That truly breaks my heart in a lot of different ways. I’m writing this blog to talk about my personal experience and the experiences I have gone through since the loss of our baby.

I was talking with my mom about a friend of hers, whose family is going through infertility issues. I thought, hey, it’s been 7 years since the loss of our baby. I have NEVER blogged about it. I only tell people when the subject comes up or when my heart is broken for someone who is dealing with a similar circumstance. 7 years….we would have a first grader on our hands today. Yes, I got married 7 and a half years ago. I married the most wonderful man, who shares the same dreams I do, who was willing to right away at 19 and 21 start a family, we could barely afford to live on our own, but we knew God would provide. We (a month after wedding) had our home robbed, definitely not the safest place to live due to our budget, and subsequently moved into my parents house to save money and buy a home of our own.

That didn’t prevent us from continuing with our dreams of having our own family and just a month and a half later found out we were pregnant. It was November…. Thanksgiving and morning sickness was my friend. I thought how AWESOME!!! Yes I said awesome. I have for since I can remember sooooo longed to be a mother! I played with my babies relentlessly as a child. I started baby-sitting at the tender age of 10, living around military helps with that, they always need a sitter. I thought it would be the greatest thing to grow up and have children of my own. I even baby sat so much for one family that their son whom I watched from 6 months to 3 years called me Mama sometimes. My dream boiled down to this when I graduated from High School: have 5 biological and adopt 5 children, for a grand total of 10. Of course even at 18, I didn’t realize how unrealistic my dreams were. A lot of dreams aren’t realistic in High School. For money truly is an issue when it comes to bringing children into this world and to adopting.

Anyway PREGNANT. The words I longed to hear!!! I was so thrilled and told everyone I knew and even some I didn’t know ;) I went to the health department to confirm my pregnancy, 4 and a half weeks pregnant. Due date: August 17, 2003. At about 8 weeks we got a sonogram, not at an ob clinic, but my Mother-In-Law is and ECHOTECH, (she gives heart sonos), we went to her office and saw our baby, so little, but heart beat about 145-160 bpm, and all!!! Wow, what an amazing time. I don’t remember complaining much, but even if I did, I try not to and have since tried to enjoy every second of each of my subsequent pregnancies.

Then at 11 and half weeks, almost to my second trimester, it happened. We went to church on a Sunday morning, I believe we were in the bus ministry and got home around 1:30 or 2, we were headed to Bill’s parents to have lunch with them. We stopped at home to change out of our church clothes and go to the bathroom. I still remember like it was yesterday. I remember what I was wearing. I remember thinking “this can’t be true,” “NOT ME!!!” I called my husband in, the deer in headlights look, ask your mom, I don’t know what to do either baby. My mom said, go to the hospital. My husbands insurance hadn’t picked me up since our September wedding, and this was January (the 26th to be exact). That didn’t matter, I wanted to make sure my baby was ok, I was ok. My mom shared the story of me “I bled the entire pregnancy with you, so maybe it’s nothing.”

We waited for what seemed like an eternity. I remember thinking this is the most emergent situation I can think of , a pregnant mom losing her baby. Can’t they do something besides make me sit and wait. Waited in the back room of the ER when we finally got in, waited even longer to get to the sonogram room. Staring at the screen, the sonographer ( I truly do feel for them) saying things like “maybe you’re not as far along as you think” “I see a sack”. ME: “where’s my baby?” “Where’s the heartbeat?” “Is the baby still in?” She of course couldn’t tell me anything. They leave that news for the dr. I was told to go home and make an appt with an OB for Monday, to check my levels. The couldn’t tell me either way. I knew. Tears they flowed, and continue to flow.

Monday came, went to the Dr. The worst Dr visit EVER. I refused to ever go to that Dr, after all this was over and continue not to recommend him. Short little man, checked my blood levels. Came in the room, “well these things just happen” “1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.” “we need to schedule you for a D and C.” That is supposed to speed the process up. You can bleed for up to 6 weeks after the loss of a baby or get a D and C, a surgical procedure to remove any remaining “tissue” after the loss of a baby or sometimes after the birth of a baby, in hemorrhaging situations. I wanted to get this over with. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to have a baby. Does this mean I can’t have babies? Does this mean there is something wrong with me? What did I do wrong? How could I have made this better?

I remember laying in bed, crying. I don’t remember any physical pain. I don’t remember what anyone else was thinking during the process. I remember crying. This is all I’ve ever wanted. I am meant to be a mother. I am not perfect, but I know I will be good at this. I have a good man to raise babies with. I don’t remember being bitter with God at all. (that came later) I remember being bitter with people. Who are you to tell me it will be ok? How do you know it is in God’s plan? Who are you to say these things happen? You have children, I don’t, don’t tell me you know how I feel . I don’t even know if I will be able to have kids. I’m sorry that you went through this too, but my heart is BROKEN, broken for my child. I even heard some others say, They are too young anyway, It’s too soon in there marriage to have children, They live with her parents, etc…. Ok so when you bring it all back up I can still get a little angry, but I pray that God has taken all the bitterness away! I don’t feel bitter anyway. It took 4 days until I could have the surgery.

Surgery day. Go in early in the morning, my hubby and some family there. My assistant pastor came up to be supportive. Thanks Andy! I remember thinking. Is my baby really gone? What are they really doing here? This feels so wrong! This is a baby, my baby, are they certain he/she is gone? I received a card, as a memory, with my babies heartbeat in the audio.. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! My living baby with a heart beat is gone. My baby is GONE. My baby is in Heaven, without me. I remember feeling like I was getting an abortion. On the form you fill out they call it a sporadic or something like that abortion. Ahhh, I’m not aborting my baby! (If you have ever had an abortion, I am in no way judging you or your decision, it wasn't MY decision is all I'm saying). They drugged me and put me under, did the surgery, sent me home a couple of hours later, to recover for the weekend and go back to work Monday. I did go back Monday, but the bleeding didn’t stop in two days, it didn’t stop in a week or two. It took an entire month for my body to stop bleeding. I would call that an unsuccessful surgery, wouldn’t you? I was passing clots, even tissue. I took some of these into the Dr, he said and I quote, “You are just one tough cookie.” What does that even mean? Apparently you didn’t do your job and my body is still recovering, meanwhile my husband and I are currently over $6000 in debt from this surgery and medical experience! Oh, I won’t charge you for this visit. What about the rest of them?

So after this, my husband and I decided, it was in our best interest, to wait. Wait until we bought a house and were settled. Wait until we thought we may be able to handle this again. Wait until the time was better. Although I don’t know of a better time to lose a child. There is NO good time to lose a child. I struggled for a long time with the why’s and how’s of this. I still don’t have any great prophetic statement to make on losing a child or God’s reason, or any reason for that matter. I do know that it happens often. I know that it happens to all women of all races, ethnicity’s, creeds, etc. I know that I am NOT the only one. I know that my struggle wasn’t as bad as some, in fact probably better than most, given that I currently have 4 children of my own. By the way 3 biological, 1 adopted, 1 in heaven = 5 children, half of my goal from High school. I know that Heaven will be filled with a lot of babies whose faces we never got to see, babies whom we only got to see for a short time. Ohhh the pain we go through while we are here on this earth. I will see my baby again someday! We got pregnant in November of 2003, and almost a year to the due date of our first child, our baby Isaiah was born August 5. He is now 5 years old. Time sure flies fast. He was born very healthy 9 lbs 5 oz. No pregnancy complications. Yes, God is good and blesses us still. Although I long to know what sex our baby was, the names were Ruth Ann or Tyler Joseph, I know that there is some reason we didn’t get to see him/her. I know that there is nothing I can do to change it. I know that my faith is what I had left. I know that I am still here and have to go on.

Since this time, I have experienced more pain, more loss, more happiness, more joy. I have experienced other friends and family losing their babies through miscarriage. I have experienced the loss of my grandfather. I have experienced the loss of my husbands grandmother. I have experienced a profound loss of Wesley. Wesley is one of my very good friends child. He was born with very severe heart problems and passed away 5 weeks after coming to this earth due to those complications. William Charles Wesley Benson. I will never forget you, all of you. I have also experienced joy unspeakable. I have 4 healthy children. My friends have since had a daughter, Luci. I have many other friends and acquaintances whom have lost a child and that I feel is something that will stick with each of us until the end of time. For you never know how it feels until you go through it. I don’t know how the Bensons personally feel, I just know how it has affected my life, but I love them and see how they have gone on, in spite of, but never forgetting. Also you never know who has gone through this or the pain someone still carries with them daily for any loss. I am happy to know though that someday I will see him/her in heaven. I have a BABY IN HEAVEN.